You even have a job, a tidy flat, and a hilarious cat named Mortimer. Most men are completely clueless when it comes to crafting dating profiles, because they do it in a rush.
I reckon that should be enough to attract the perfect girl. This strategy is the rough equivalent of a bakery putting a cake in a garbage bag.
Pester, bribe, or threaten one of your friends until they agree to take a picture of you in natural light doing natural things like eating, standing, or sitting. You should be the only one in the photograph, or at least easily identifiable: This looks good when The Rock does it, but is inadvisable for everybody else.
Avoid the infamous under-the-chin angle. You look like a potato with nostrils. What can they infer about you?
On to the next profile! Listen, your snarkiness is probably adorable in person. But online, this amateur stand-up comic act is doing you no favours.