Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day?
If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better, in spite of protestations that he loves you, in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going, see if you recognize yourself in any of these common reasons.
But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. If Why do men try to control women keep getting hurt; if you know in your heart that the relationship is diminishing you but you still keep going back for more, it may be time for you to get into therapy or to find the resources in your community that help women extricate themselves from a controlling or abusive relationship.
If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control. The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women.
They say they will commit suicide if you leave — and it will be all your fault.
If your guy will agree, try out couples therapy. Couples can and do change with commitment to the process and love for each other. Build up your self-esteem, develop the skills you need to be successful in the world, and increase your confidence in yourself.
A stronger you will be able to hold out for the loving relationship that you deserve. If you are afraid to end your relationship, you need help and support to stay safe.
Call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at or visit their website at www. Marie Hartwell-Walker is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education.
She is author of the insightful parenting e-book, Tending the Family Heart. Check out her book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem. Why Women Stay with Controlling Men.
Retrieved on November 7,from https: Find help or get online counseling now. By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. When you met, he only had eyes for you.
He called to say good morning. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was — waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted.
He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week and made you feel like a princess.
Because these guys can be absolutely charming. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear.
Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He says you really are his everything.
Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance.
Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent.
Your self-esteem is in the cellar. All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Because he scares you or manipulates you.
Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around. So you do everything you can to prevent it — including staying. Because you truly believe you can change him.
Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. Love conquers all, right? No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it.
He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight.
Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person is really, really hard.